I was at a talent show recently and they played one of my music videos.

Folks were really fkn with it.

“This is industry-level.”

So later I’m telling the creative genius donfons (who envisioned, shot and edited the video), all this feedback people were giving me. i’m hyped. i’m moved.

And this man is basically like:

“Absolutely 😐. I don’t fuck around.”

😭😂

He was not surprised AT ALL.

Like, yeah. Obviously it looks good. I don’t play.

And really struck me.

Cuz I was like…

Wait.

I don’t fuck around either! 😤

 

The last time i wrote to y’all, i was asking: What if i already made it?

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Real talk, i’m still sitting with that.

Cuz there’s still a part of me that wonders if accepting where i am is some kind of cop-out.

 

i still yearn to be in more places. i want more people to hear my music. i wanna be booked. I wanna speak. I wanna make shyt that travels further than I ever could.

 

And it’s easy to think throwing money at the problem will fix it.

More promo. Ads. Views. 

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But i also know there are scary things i have to do.

i have to be relentless. Maybe even a lil annoying. 😂

i have to put myself in all types of places. Follow up with people. Send the email again. Introduce myself. Ask for the opportunity. Follow up. Let people see me.

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And that shit is haaard for me. 🥺

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i’m still a recovering pothead. Still recovering from people-pleasing. Learning how to regulate myself, hold myself, depedestalize other people and big myself the fuck up!

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Some of the same things that made disappearing into weed feel good for so long are still there when it’s time for me to put myself out into the world.

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There are still parts of me that think:

What if i’m not good enough?

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But lately i’ve been thinking:

Good enough for whaaat?

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i take my art seriously. i’ve spent years getting better at what i do. i put time, money, thought, politics, spirit, love and ridiculous amounts of care into this shit.

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Maybe somebody being moved by my work doesn’t have to shock me.

Maybe somebody telling me i’m impressive can just be met with:

Of course. i’m impressive.

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Because i know what i put into this.

And i think recovery has been teaching me how to know what i bring without needing somebody else to tell me first.

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i’m getting close to a year without weed now.

Since the last time i wrote y’all, i gave my first in-person recovery speaker share, made it to Step Four, and started bringing some of my own gifts into my recovery community.

One dope thing has been seeing how communities evolve as different people join them.

i can see my impact on a space.

And almost a year into this thing, sobriety feels different than it ever has.

It's normal ...

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i know that i’m in the no matter what club.

i can’t smoke weed again.

And there is so much freedom in that.

Because it don'tt feel like:

damn, whyyy can’t I? --Liz Phair looking ass 😭

 

It feels like:

i’m choosing this because my life on this side is so much better.

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As it gets colder and we start moving back inside, i’ve had little thoughts like, damn, wouldn’t it be nice to pick up and smoke?

And the thought can just be a thought.

It will pass.

i don’t have to negotiate with it or follow it anywhere.

i aint gon do it.

There’s ease in that. Freedom in discipline.

 

And I think the recovery underneath the recovery has been learning how to stop abandoning myself.

That shit shows up errywhere!

It shows up in love.

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i’ve found myself in a relationship that encourages and challenges me to speak up, even when the people-pleaser in me wants to wait for the “right time” or find the perfect way to say something so nobody gets uncomfortable.

It keeps showing me that it’s safe to tell the truth and still be loved.

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i’m learning:

It’s always the right time for your truth.

It shows up in my body, too.

I’ve gained weight.

I’ve been feeding myself.

Like actually feeding myself. Cooking for myself in ways i really haven’t since i got diagnosed with a chronic illness years ago. Making food at home that tastes better to me than the shit I spend entirely too much money ordering. 😂

i’ve been nourishing myself yall...

Taking up space!

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I’m also ready to RELEASE.

Like, release release release release. 😂

I have so much music sitting around and I’m at this place of:

PUT EVERYTHING OUT 😤

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Things I’ve held onto because maybe they weren’t "ready", or I wasn’t ready, or i needed the perfect rollout, or the perfect moment, or what the fuck ever.

i want to let some of it go so i can make room for what comes next.

So that’s where i'm at in general.

At a turning point.

Rested Root (social justice consultation and liberatory education yall - work with us!), my music, my career, everything.

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And appropriately, I feel more equipped to navigate all of it than I would have a year ago.

I'm getting clearer about my own gifts.

I wanna speak. Hold space. Make art. Build movements.

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I want to talk about recovery and liberation and abolition and disability and healing and all the shit that i cannot seem to separate from each other because, to me, it aint separate.

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And i need to be booked, y’all. 😂

For real. 👀

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I keep coming back to this image of myself sitting beside a river.

Earlier this year, Rested Root recorded videos about our conflict transformation process beside one. We’ve been investing in ourselves in all these different ways. Playing, trying, building things. Believing that this little worker-owned cooperative can continue becoming something tremendous. Sustain our movements and be equally sustained by them.

And now i feel like I’m sitting beside that river again.

Not knowing exactly what comes next.

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Still hella ambitious.

Still hella insecure too much of the time.

Still recovering.

Still wanting more.

But trusting myself more than i did the last time i wrote yall.

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i don’t have to think i'm inadequate in order to get better.

Don't gotta be shocked when somebody sees something powerful in me.

i can chill beside the river for a bit and appreciate where i am.

And then get the fuck up and keep going.

i don’t fuck around. Perionna. 💅🏾

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There’s a lot of thiongs i want to talk about with y’all over these next few months. Recovery and liberation. What substances have meant in my life and what sobriety is opening up in my politics. Art and organizing and what we’re supposed to be doing in a world that desperately needs something different.

But for now, I think I just want to leave you with this:

 

Believe in my dreams with me.

And believe in your own.

Put the thing out.

Send the email.

Say the uncomfortable shit.

Feed yourself.

Big yourself up.

Let go of something that you already know is

keeping you from your freedom.

And then come find the rest of us.

Because I’m still trying to build a new world.

And I could use some company. 🤎